


Overcoming Lonliness

by serpetinefire1 (serpetinefire)



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 16:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3140702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serpetinefire/pseuds/serpetinefire1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First attempt at a regular story. This is a Rick story with heavy doses of Caryl. Rick has suffered losses, pain and a terrible loneliness that is crushing him. He's not the only one. Can he learn to overcome his fear with the help of his friends?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at a regular story and also my first story here. The main character's will be Rick (which most of this is from his point of view) Michonne, as well as Daryl and Carol. If it seems ooc for Rick, just remember he is dealing with a crushing amount of loneliness and a lot of responsibility.

I once again dedicate this to some amazing writers that keep my Caryl heart soaring: EnglishPoet28, DWB, Fairiesmasquerade, Ramblin' Rose, HaloHunter, Hiatus 80... Thank you!

The first time it happened it was a huge mistake. Rick walks the cell block when he heard the sounds of sighs and quiet moans coming from an unlikely cell. He will never know why he did what he did that night, maybe it was embarrassment to know his two closest friends secret. Maybe it was just the shear goddamn loneliness that been choking him for the last year. Rick slipped into the cell next to theirs, back to the wall, ear pressed tight. He could hear the sounds of clothes being removed, kisses shard, quiet murmured words.

He pictures Carol's sweet smile, the one he's only ever seen Daryl receive. Sees her amazing blue eyes that can pierce the darkness in any heart but truly light up when she sees the hunter. The kindness, caring and love that she shares with everyone. She is so damn beautiful in her understated way.

He pictures Daryl, once almost feral, his anger, hardness and hostility worn like a cloak for protection, covering his personal demons of self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness. The changes in him have been phenomenal. He's become Rick's closest friend, brother really in a way no other has ever been. Rick knows this is mainly due to Carol's influence. She has brought out the best that was hidden in the man.

Rick is pulled from his thoughts as the quiet sounds start to pick up, still silent enough to not be heard outside their cell but loud enough to catch his attention. The moans, sighs, the impossibly quiet sounds of flesh meeting flesh, slow, gentle and not what he would have expected from these two. He feels himself harden at the thought of those two bodies hearing a low growl. He laughs to himself "yeah Daryl's a growler" just as he expected. Carol lets out a delicate chuckle that is quickly replaced by a gasp. Rick feels the sharp stinging pain of loneliness wrapping its hands around his heart. He slips his hand down to cup himself, stroking through his jeans. God he wishes he could be in there, sharing their closeness, their connection. He's feels so close to finishing but he wants to share this with them, be a part of something, anything. He hears the bed creak, stops stroking himself afraid they will find him listening to their love making. The flesh on flesh sound starts again, faster, harder, rougher but still with that strange tenderness that keeps him riveted to his spot.

He slips one hand back to his crotch, timing his strokes with Daryl's thrusts. His other hand he ghosts over his chest, through his hair, pretending its Carols hand caressing him. The sounds get more and more desperate, racing to completion. Still keeping time with Daryl, he covers his mouth to muffle his own sounds. He hears Carol whimper Daryl's name as she cums. Daryl with a deep animalistic growl and Rick with muffled cry buried in his hand, cum together right after her. He stands there catching his breath as he hears them untangle their bodies and settle to sleep. "I love you" she whispers. "I love you too" he replies back. Rick slinks out of the cell and heads to his own room.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Once again this is dedicated to my favorite writers... you know who you are., 

Disclaimer: I don't own the Walking Dead, I'm just playing with the Characters.

Chapter 2:

Rick returned to his cell, shell shocked at what had just happened. Guilt, fear, anger and that damn loneliness fighting for dominance. As he changes out of his now sticky clothes he peers down at his sleeping daughter almost wishing she would wake up. Carl has his own cell next to his, better for both of them right now. How the fuck did his life come to this? He gave up his role as leader because he just didn't want to be responsible for anyone anymore. Too many losses, too much Pain.

What the hell is he going to do? How is he going to face his brother tomorrow and the woman who has done more for him than anyone else? He wasn't really surprised they were together. They have had a bond for a long time. He is surprised they got to this point and he just didn't see it. They were his best friends, his family, and like some pervert he hides in the dark to jack off while listening to them.

His wife is gone,

His son is growing so damn cold,

His daughter isn't his by blood,

His childhood best friend betrays him

Tries to take the one thing he had going for him,

His family.

He misses Lori. They had had problems long before this mess with the zombies started, god she could be such a bitch sometimes, but he had loved her. He even misses the ghost/vision he was seeing for a while. Yeah he was losing his mind, but at least he wasn't alone.

He knows he needs to sleep, he's not the leader anymore but he still has responsibilities. Laying down he feels that crushing loneliness building within again. It's always worse at night. He's had a few of the new women make offers to "ease" some of it, but he's just not interested. He wants to feel like he's connected to someone ,that he's a part of something. He had that once with Lori, with Carl.

As he drifts off to sleep, he dreams of her. He sees Lori standing there her beautiful brown hair flowing down her back, her brown eyes flashing mischievously at him. Feels her hands slide across his chest, her lips caressing his. He reaches up to touch her. Her hair is much shorter with hints of curls at the ends. He opens his eyes to see her but the eyes that start back are a heartbreakingly beautiful blue, clear and perfect. Those lips that glide over his quest hungrily over his. He hears the sounds she made earlier, her gasps, giggles, moans. She calls his name in that oh so soft voice, whispering " I love you".

Jerking awake at his daughter's cries, he gently picks up the baby to feed her. Tears forming, falling from his eyes as he wonders what the hell is he going to do?!

Morning found Rick even more confused that he was the night before. Those dreams kept coming, some were worse than any porno Shane and him had snuck from his dads stash. After handing Jude off to Beth and Kaye for the day, Rick went to find his son.

"Hey Carl, what's the plan for today?" Rick asked.

" I've got watch with Michonne this morning and Carol asked if I could help with her knife class."

"Do you got time for breakfast?"

"No dad, some of us have real responsibilities" replied the snarky teen as he walked off.

Rick, head hung, headed to the cafeteria. After getting a bowl from Kat, Rick headed over to his normal table. He watches Carol working to feed everyone, running the kitchen like a pro. She smiles and laughs with each person , sharing words of encouragement, gentle teasing, a comforting pat on the arm or hand. Rick can literally see the other peoples spirits lift, realizing she makes each person feel special.

He watches as Daryl comes in, eyes immediately searching for her a small smile on his lips. Their eyes meet for a brief moment, the emotions expressed are heavy, almost suffocating before they lock them down. "God, how did I miss that" Rick wonders. Daryl gets his bowl and heads over to Rick.

Carol joins them with a smile for both men. Rick watches as some of the other men and women sneak glances at his friends, trying to catch the eye of the couple. Daryl and Rick talk about the schedule for the day, supply runs, fence patrol, and guard duty… same old same old.

Carol finishes her meal and with a deliberate pat on Ricks shoulder and an "accidental" brush of her hand across Daryl's back, heads back to work. Rick watches as Daryl's eyes darken, lips part , giving a shy smile to her as she collects their plates. He's fascinated by the change he sees in the man. How did he miss meaning of those looks, brushes of hands they give to each other, reaffirming their connection or the smiles these two share. Hell, how does anyone miss them?

With a wave to the others, Rick heads off to work.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Greetings from Alaska! This story is actually complete, I'm just getting it put here :)

I don't own the walking Dead.

Chapter 3

After breakfast Rick heads out to the field, working with Hershel to keep the crops healthy and strong.

He would never have imagined his life would get to this point, former Law man turned farmer. He's been lost for so long, so damn lonely. He realizes he has cut himself off from pretty much everyone except the original group and has still missed things. Trapped inside his own head, he has become a ghost, a shadow, a pale imitation of the man he once was. Where did his optimism, hope, and joy go? Did it all die on the dirty floor with Lori? Was it earlier when he slipped the tip of his knife into his best fucking friend? How did he miss the change in Daryl and Carol's relationship? What else has he missed? He needs to wake up.

Hershel looks up at him "Good Morning Rick, How are you today?"

"I'm fine." Rick lies, he is far from fine.

"You sure? You look a little distracted today" Hershel relies.

"Yeah, I just need to get to work," is Rick's short answer.

How does he tell this man or any of the others the pain in his heart, in his head? The two men work in silence, when did he get to be so silent? Rick wonders. Hell, Daryl talks more than I do anymore.

After a couple of hours, he's done for the day. Rick starts looking around. He sees Michonne, Carl and Carol leading the group of children down by the fence. The kids look scared and excited. Moving to stand a little away from them he hears Carol start her lesson.

"Ok kiddos, today we're going to work on helping to clear the fence. I know it seems scary, but if you have paid attention and do exactly like we practiced then things will be fine." She has a soft smile on her face which causes a lurch in Ricks heart. It's not "the smile", the one he wishes she would share with him, but it's beautiful. The kids, along with the other three, pick a weapon and start to kill the walkers that come to the fence. Carol gives them encouragement, coaching, helping them feel safe. He watches as she demonstrates how to keep a safe distance, how to thrust into the eye. She shows the smaller children how to take out a leg to get the walkers down to their level. She is so patient with them. After they finish off at the fence, Rick watches the kids run back into the prison to work on their other lessons. He sees Carol, Michonne and Carl, sit in the grass, talking.

It's time for Carol and Michonne to start their training. Michonne took it upon herself to teach Carol how to work with a sword and some martial arts training. Daryl had spent the last 2 years teaching Carol how to fight, but Michonne's style is different. Carol is an eager student, she never wants to be a victim again. He's heard her say that many times. Carol will work with Michonne later on target practice. Michonne is a bad ass warrior but can't shoot worth shit. Rick finds it funny that it is Carol teaching Michonne. He remembers with a chuckle the day they first took the prison. Daryl had worked with her on shooting and she had become a pretty good shot. That day, her first shot almost got him on the foot. He had looked up at her and heard that flip little "sorry". She's improved so much in the last year and ½, almost as good as Maggie and defiantly better than most of the Woodbury people.

The women, with Carl watching, pull out foam covered swords and begin their dance. In complete silence with sweat flying the women battle. The twisting, turning, weaving bodies are sensuous, beautiful. Michonne is still the better of the two, but Carol isn't as far behind her as he imagined. There's something spellbinding about watching the former mousey woman fight. They finish, giving each other a hug and put away their gear. He hears Carl say something and hears them laugh.

Her laughter, it stabs through him, burning a path from his ears to his heart to his groin. What the fuck! He's known her for three years, she's been his friend, his sister in so many ways. She's brought him comfort, shared tears with him, fought with and for him. When did he become so fixated on her? He remembers the sounds she made last night, once again imagining her lying under him, caressing him, whispering " I Love you"

His breathing picks up,

His skin on fire,

Memories of his dreams,

Of the sounds,

His body grows tight.

He is suffocated by feelings of want, need. Feelings that grab him by the throat, keep his lungs from getting the air he is desperate for. He needs to run, hide, get away from these feelings.

Rick, groin throbbing painfully, turns and heads towards the tombs.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Thank you for your support. Brightest Blessings.

I still don't own anything related to the Walking dead, well except for all the comics, dvds, some t-shirts, action figures and a kick ass Daryl coffee mug.

Chapter 4

Rick reaches the boiler room, shuts the door and leans against it.

Guilt rips at him as his hand slides down to his aching crotch. He leans his head back against the wall and replays every image of Carol he has: her smile (Daryl's special smile), her laugh, sweat sliding down her neck, tank top sticking to her breast, her ass filling out her jeans and those eyes that can delve deep into his soul. Pulling himself free of his jeans, he strokes himself, hearing in his mind those sounds. "I love you". He unbuttons his shirt one handed and lets his that hand travel the same path as last night. Gliding over his stomach, up to his chest wishing it was her hand. Breath coming in hard pants as he strokes faster. Pressure building, he lets himself go as her name rasps out of dry lips.

Slipping down to the floor, tears in his eyes once again, he sobs. He cries for the loss of his wife, for his former best friend, for his son's innocence, for his "daughter" and her future, for himself. He cries for the possible loss of his two best friends, his sister and brother. The sister he has once again jacked off to and the brother that he would lose if Daryl ever found out.

After a while, Rick is ready to return to the land of the living. He has a better understanding of what happened to his friend Morgan now. He doesn't have to "clear" but he knows he needs to do something. He needs to wake up, to become part of the group, to stop being so fucking alone. He heads towards the cafeteria to get lunch and to pick up his daughter for the afternoon. Maybe he can get Carl to talk to him.

When he arrives, he sees Michonne and Carl together at a table. Carl is talking, laughing and looking more like the boy he should be instead of the hard ass he has become. Carol walks over to the table, giving them their lunch and sits. Rick feels calmer now, thinks he can be around her without too much problem. He walks over and joins them at their table. "Hey guys, how's the day been so far?"

"Fine Rick, just waiting for the others to get back from the run," Carol answers with a smile.

"Where did they go?" Rick realizes he is so disconnected he didn't have a clue where the others were.

"Not too far, checking on Woodbury to see if anything was left. Tomorrow we head to that Big Spot place," Michonne tells him.

Rick looks at Carl and sees that hard closed face he has seen for the last year. Where is the laughing, smiling boy that peeked out only moments before? Rick knows that it's him being there that makes his son look like that, wishing there was something he could do to change it.

"Whose all going tomorrow?" Rick wants to know.

"Why the hell do you care!" snarls his son.

"CARL!" comes from both Michonne and Carol. Carl looks at them, drops his head a bit and leaves.

"Do you want me to get him or do you want to?" Michonne asks Carol.

"Right now, you would probably have better luck," Carol answers.

Michonne looks at Rick, nods to Carol and leaves to follow the boy.

"Rick, are you doing ok?" Carol says as she places her hand over his.

Rick shakes his head no and tries to look anywhere but into her eyes. What would she see if their eyes met? He wonders. Would she know what he had done last night, what he did not even an hour ago?

"Michonne has been working on Carl, they're becoming close. She'll straighten him out," Carol whispers to him.

He shudders as her breath caresses his ear. "Is there anything I can do to help you?" she asks with that quiet voice.

Please god don't ask me that! He screams in his head. Please love me, don't let me be lonely, don't let me be alone!

"I'll be ok Carol." He says aloud. "When do the others get back? I wanted to talk to Daryl a bit."

She gives a little smile. "They should be back soon. If you're sure your good, I've got to help Kaye and Kat with the laundry."

"Why is it always you three?" Rick wants to know. How did things get to the point that 4 or 5 of the women did the bulk of the work? He has been out of the loop too damn long. She shouldn't have to work so hard.

"Sasha, Karen and Maggie are on the run. Beth has the kids doing reading, Mina and Pat have the babies, and Rose and Tula are on the fence. The rest of the women are doing whatever it is they do" Carol tells him with no anger or malice in her voice.

"That's bullshit Carol! There are what 19 others that could be helping with the chores right?"

Carol giggles "It's ok Rick, really it is. The elderly ladies will be down to help up after a bit and the 11 other women are going to learn to pull their weight if they want clean clothes!"

Rick laughs feeling the weight in his chest lessen just being here with her. They both stand to go about their business, when Rick suddenly places a hand on her shoulder, turns her and envelopes her in a hug. Carol wraps an arm across his back placing the other on the back of his head. "You sure you're ok?" a hint of worry in her voice.

He shudders again, holding her tight for just a second longer before he lets her go. "Yeah, guess I just need a hug."

"Anytime. If you need me for anything, you know where I'll be." With a smile and a final pat on his arm she heads down to do the laundry.

Rick, with a shake of his head, goes to get his daughter from the nursery.


	5. Chapter 5

I do not own the walking dead, but if I did Caryl would have been happening in secret for a very long time.

Chapter 5

Wandering around the hallways, his daughter clutched tight to his chest, Rick tries to organize his thoughts. Thinking of anything but her.

He watches, always seems to be watching lately, the other people of his community. He notices for the first time bonds that have been created between the groups of survivors.

He sees a young man talking to Beth, watches as her pretty face flushes in pleasure at something he whispers to her. Rick wonders who he is and where he came from.

He sees Hershel and some of the elderly men play chest in a corner, notices an attractive older woman sitting next to Hershel with a soft tiny smile on her face. Hershel has a girlfriend? How did he miss that, he spends every morning with the man!

He sees the group of women sitting near a cell, talking, gossiping, and not doing a damn thing while Carol and the others work their butts off to keep the community going.

He gets close enough to hear bits of their conversation, his blood almost boiling.

"Not enough men here."

"Carol really thinks I'm going to wash clothes or work in the kitchen..."

"What's up with that black chick? She thinks she's so special."

"God I'm bored, they need to …"

"Ya know, I really think Daryl's gay!"

"I know right, I've tried to talk to him but he just blows me off. He's got to be gay."

"Rick would be ok if he wasn't crazy. I heard…"

On and on it went the women either didn't see Rick or didn't care he was there. Something was gonna have to change, he thought. Maybe when I talk to Daryl, I can ask him about this mess.

Rick starts walking outside, taking Jude to play near the animal pens. He doesn't want to be alone anymore, but those that he feels most connected to are scattered about the prison. Sitting in the grass he notices Michonne and Carl in one of the guard towers. They looked like they were arguing but he couldn't hear.

Maybe if I can get her alone, I can ask her about Carl. I've got to fix this with my son. Why is he so damn angry with me?

After an hour, it's Jude's nap time, picking her up Rick heads back in.

The others return from their run to Woodbury and the news wasn't good. It had been burnt to the ground. He had missed the return, wondering if those smoldering looks between Daryl and Carol happened again. He wishes she would look at him like that. Hell, he wishes someone would look at him like that.

Hershel, Sasha, Daryl, Carol and Glenn all head to the library to have a talk. Rick knows when he gave up the leadership role that he both feared and relished, they had formed a counsel. He feels left out, disconnected and so fucking alone.

He needs to change the disconnected feeling. He's always been a social creature, not as much as Lori, but he knows he needs to feel a part of something.

How long have I been asleep, lost in my thoughts? How do I get back who I was? When did so many things change?

Rick has questions without answers. He knows it's time to wake up, to find himself again.

He decides it's time to start that process, the rediscovery of who Rick Grimes is.

Reconnect with his friends,

His community,

His family,

His pain in the ass son.

Which is first? He asks himself.

The simple answer, the one that lets him know he's not as far gone as he thought, is Carl. This is also the hardest answer.

Rick decides to talk to Carol and Daryl first, maybe get a word in with Hershel and Michonne.

Christ, how am I going to talk to Daryl and Carol?

They have had his back for years; they are his best friends, his family. He wonders if he should wait longer to approach them.

Since when are you a coward? Man up and talk to them.

With that admonishment flitting around his mind, Rick goes looking for the two people he is closest to, hoping they can help him find his way out of his self-imposed exile and bring him back to the land of the living.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
a bit of filler to move us along.

As always thank you for reading and for your support.

Special thanks to my favorite writers, who keep Caryl alive, when the show has been stingy.

I don't own the Walking Dead.

Chapter 6

Rick heads outside to find Daryl and Carol. He knows he will have to hide some things from them, but also knows he really needs the help of his two best friends.

He glances around the yard and sees them walking near the fence, clearing it.

In some ways he's always been jealous of the relationship between them. Both of them had such violent pasts, both had been abused in some way or another and yet he's never seen anything like them. Rick had Shane as a best friend and brother all of his life and he had Lori, but he's never had the bond he sees between Daryl and Carol.

He's jealous of the ease of their relationship, how they can share so much with each other with just a glance, a brief touch. How they can sit in silence for hours and be content.

Rick remembers when he first noticed how the two of them seemed to be drawn together. It was at the quarry, right after the failed attempt to rescue Merle.

They raced back to the camp, worried what kind of havoc Merle was going to bring. As they got closer, they could hear the screams, sounds of gunshots. They rounded the corner to see walkers everywhere, killing, shuffling towards their next victim. The men quickly worked to put down the threat, but they had lost half their group in one night. The next morning the remaining members of the group worked to bury their people and burn the bodies of the rest.

Daryl was wielding the pickaxe, making sure no one came back. When he got to that bastard Ed's body, a small voice spoke from behind him." I'll do it, he was my husband." Nothing like the woman she is now, Carol was tiny, frail, scared. Daryl handed her the tool, not expecting her to be able to use it. Carol's fury as she drove the weapon into her husband's head, over and over, sparked an interest in Daryl. They understood the same pain. After that, they seemed to circle each other, not the friends they would become on the farm, but always in each other's orbit.

As the duo finishes their sweep, Rick raises an arm to them. Daryl, with his customary nod and Carol with a smile walk over towards him.

"Hey Rick, nice to see you out and about," Carol tells as they sit in the grass.

"Yeah, do ya have a minute?" The slightly unsure response from Rick.

"Sure, I've got dinner to start in about an hour, until then I'm all yours."

Please don't say things like that Carol. You don't know what it's doing to me!

"I just wanted to ask about a few things. Ya know, who all the new people are, what's been going on around the prison….how Carl…." Ricks response dies off at the look that is shared between his best friends.

"Which do you want to know first?" Daryl's deep graveling voice asks.

Rick doesn't know how to start. It's been so long since he's had a real conversation. Most times when he talks to them it has been quick rundowns, never anything too specific. He really wants to know about Carl, see if they have any insight into why he's so angry towards him. He has a feeling that is going to take more than the hour and decides to start with something a little easier.

"Can you tell me about the new people?" More glances between the couple cause Rick to realize his response wasn't what they expected.

Rick watches Carol formulate her answer.

"Well, you know some came from Woodbury, some we've picked up here and there and some just seemed to find us. I could tell you about them if you like." Carol is using that gentle voice Rick sometimes hears her using with the kids and Daryl.

"That would be great," he tells her.

Carol tells Rick about the "newbies" while Daryl lounges next to her with a small smile as he listens to her.

For the next hour, both men listen as she talks about the new folks. Daryl adds comments whenever he feels it's necessary.

As the conversation gets to Ruby, Daryl chuckles a little calling her Hershel's old lady. He tells Rick to watch out for that one because "she's like one of those grandma's that will kiss your hand after she whacks it with a wooden spoon if you misbehave."

When it gets to Dave, there is another laugh from both Daryl and Carol. "Looks scary as fuck, but he's alright. Ain't he been hangin' with your friend Kaye?"

Beth's new beau is named Zac. "Kind of an idiot but he likes her."

The 6 women that never help with anything at the prison. "Lazy ass bitches." Daryl adds with a growl.

On and on it went, lots of laughter amongst the friends. For the first time in a very long time, Rick felt like he was connected with someone besides the ghosts that haunt him. It was liberating for that hour.

The odd obsession with Carol was pushed aside for that hour as well as the jealousy he felt towards his best friend's relationship.

All too soon, it was time for Carol to start dinner, with a sweet smile at the two men and a lingering gaze towards Daryl, she went in.

Daryl slides over closer to Rick and offered him a cigarette, smoke billowing from his mouth as he asks "Y'all doin' alright?"

"Not really, but I'm tryin'. It's just been so damn... fuck if I know. My son hates me, I can't keep my shit together to take care of anyone and I've been havin' nightmares." Rick spewed the words out at his friend.

Daryl just nods "Been wondering what happened." As he takes another drag he looks out at the fence. "You know Carl don't hate ya, bro. He's got a fuck load of stuff goin' on, but between me, Carol and Michonne, we've been workin' on getting' him straight."

As he lets out a shuddering breath Rick puts his head in his hands. "You're looking after mine again. Thank you. "

"Naw man, it's what we do. If you want to know 'bout Carl, Carol and Michonne are the two to talk to."

Rick glances over and asks "So, you know what you're doing there with Carol?"

With a chuckle and a bit of a smirk Daryl shrugs. "Not a fuckin' clue, but it works for us."

The two men sat in silence for a while longer.

"Best get in, Carol will have our ass if we miss dinner," Daryl breaks the silence with a laugh.

Rick chuckles along with him as the two men head in.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Rick heads back to his cell thinking over all that has occurred in the last 24 hours.

Christ, has it only been 24 hours?

24 hours since he found out about Daryl and Carol.

24 hours since he realized he is still a man with needs.

24 hours since he woke up.

24 hours since he finally understood how badly he's handle his personal demons.

Dinner had been nice as was getting the chance to reconnect with his friends. Carol had offered to introduce Rick to the new comers and had tried, in her subtle way, to get him more involved in conversation.

Rick discovered how hard it was going to be to fix his shit. He wasn't ready to go full tilt while trying to integrate back with the group. He was so damn afraid he was going to mess up again.

Carl was his first priority. He knew he needed to do something about the situation.

Where do I start?

Daryl had suggested talking to Michonne and Carol first, but Rick wasn't sure he could be alone with Carol just yet. That weird obsession with her came back full force during dinner and he kept catching himself staring at her.

I'm acting like Daryl since the farm.

Rick had seen how Daryl used to, and honestly still does, track Carol's movements. The hunter's eyes always fixed on the tiny, beautiful woman.

Daryl will kill me if he sees me looking at her like that.

Michonne will be the better choice. Maybe I can catch up with her after she gets back from the run.

With that thought, Rick decides to call it a night.

Putting Jude down for the night, Rick fitfully lays down to sleep.

He knows the nightmares will come back. Too much pain dragged up today. Too much fear, too much failure. He doesn't know which dreams are worse, the dreams of his failures or his dreams about Carol.

Rick sees the dreamscape he has become all too familiar with over the last few months.

It's dark in the room except for the lone chair in the middle. The chair is lit with the lights of a thousand suns, putting him on display, making it easier for his ghosts to find him. He feels the terror building, knowing what is to come, dreads the pain he will have to endure once again. He's trapped in that chair, can't move, can't hide, and can't escape what is coming. Part of him prays for death, to not have to suffer this dream again.

The voices start up, too many to hear what is being said, but he knows that will change. Every fucking thing he has ever done wrong, every person his decisions have harmed, every failure he has ever had are all coming for him.

"Why won't you just talk to me? Get mad, tell me I'm being a bitch, yell, just do something!" Lori's voice drifts to the top. "Shane and I…"

"It's not like it was before, Rick. It's not." Shane is always after Lori. "You can't keep them safe. You got a broken woman, a weak boy. I'm a better father than you, a better man!"

"Don't' leave me!" comes the fearful tear strained voice. God not Sophia, not tonight.

"You left my brother chained to a roof?!" Daryl at his angriest.

"You left her?" Carol's words still have the power to destroy him. "We're not safe with him."

"You weren't there Rick! Where were you?" Morgan is another hard one to hear. "Everything is RED!"

"I just didn't want anyone to die," Andrea's words cut him to his knees.

"You're as cold as ice, officer friendly," Merle taunts him from beyond.

The voices continue; Andrea, Dale, Amy, Jacqui, Jenner, Duanne, Morales Carl, Sophia, Hershel, Carol, Daryl, Shane and Lori… every single person he's failed. The words change but the sense of failure never does.

Next comes the bodies, all he has lost, and all he can lose.

They don't stay down; they creep closer, circling him.

Gnashing teeth, grasping hand, moans, coming for him.

His friends, his family, all dead, all coming for him.

Glenn and Maggie, holding hands as they reach for him.

Beth and Hershel, crawling across the floor, desperate for his flesh.

Michonne, her sword still strapped to her back, dragging her leg behind her.

Daryl, teeth filled with Carol's skin, his fire gone.

Carol, her beautiful blue eyes clouded, comes behind Daryl, a gaping wound on her neck.

Carl and Jude, the two people he loves most in the world, reduced to things, abominations.

Closer and closer they come. Each picks a spot on his body and strike as one. Ripping and tearing him apart...

"Rick, come on man, WAKE UP!" Daryl's voice penetrates the fog of Rick's nightmare.

He jerks awake, tears in his eyes, panic on his face.

"It's ok Rick, we're here," Carols gentle voice soothes him.

Rick, reaching out a hand, feels Carol take it as she sits next to him on the bed. She puts one arm around his shoulders and pulls him into a hug.

"You need me here?" Daryl asks the both of them.

"Please stay," Rick's tear choked voice responds.

Daryl picks up the chair and sets it next to Rick's bunk.

Rick buries his head into the side of Carol's neck, trying to stop the tears. He doesn't want to be weak in front of them, but it's too late for that.

After about 5 minutes, Rick is calm enough to talk to them.

"How did you know?"

"Brother, you do this about every night. We take turns checking in on you, takin' Asskicker out of the room."

"How long? And who?" Rick really needs to know how long his family has been covering for him.

Carol gives one last gentle squeeze, sits up as she answers him. "It's been about 3 months. Only our original group and Michonne know. We take shifts; it's always two of us at a time. We're here for you."

"Where's Jude?"

Carol, with a smile, reassures him Jude is well cared for. "As soon as you were asleep, Kaye and Dave came and got her. She'll be back in the morning."

Rick wonders if he's hurt anyone during these nightmares. "Have I…Have I hurt anyone?"

"Naw, man. This is the first time you've woken up."

"What normally happens?" Rick wants to know what they have had to do.

Daryl, with a hint of a smile answers. "Well normally, whoever has shift, comes and gets Carol. She comes and sits with ya, holds your hand and talks to ya. Settles ya down real quick."

Shit, what has she heard? Does she know about the dreams from last night, does he?

Carol slowly pulls her hand free from Rick. "If you want to talk about it, we're here for you Rick."

"I'm sorry, y'all need to get some sleep. You got a run tomorrow don't ya?" Rick knows he's not getting any more sleep tonight, maybe he'll go see who's on watch.

"We'll be leavin' in a few hours. Carol 's got breakfast shift soon. Ya want to come with us?"

"I think I'll head to the showers. I need to talk to you when you get back from the run."

" Ok, we can do that. Carol, ya ready?"

"If you need me Rick, I'll either be in the kitchen or on guard duty." She gives Rick one last pat on the shoulder as the couple head out.

How the hell have they managed to hide this from me? What have I said?

Rick gathers up his clothes and walks to the shower.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After the night Rick had suffered, he really needed some quite. He walked to the fence and worked on clearing it. He now understood why Daryl liked to do this when he was having a tough day. There was something therapeutic about just mindlessly stabbing the walkers that had taken so much from them. No thoughts or feeling as his blade slid into the decayed flesh, just the clarity that came from the pull of his muscles as he worked.

He really didn't know how he felt about the others knowing he had nightmares, knowing how weak he let himself get. Thinking about the fact that the others knew what he dreamed and how hard they had worked to protect him from it made him feel small, but almost loved at the same time. He was worried about what they may have heard when he had those dreams about Carol.

If Carol knew what I dreamed of her, making love to her, would she forgive me? Would Daryl? I can't lose them over some stupid fucking dreams. Those two, Carl and Jude, are all I have left.

Rick watched the rather large group of people get ready to leave for the run. Everyone had someone to say good bye to, he noticed Carl talking to Michonne off to the side and felt a hint of jealousy at the ease of their relationship. Carol and Daryl walked out to the cars a bit after everyone else. They weren't touching but the air around them seemed to shimmer with the depths of their feelings for each other. He saw their lips move and knew the words that were being shared…

"Stay safe." "Nine lives, remember?"

The standard goodbye between his two best friends had started during the winter before, but took on a whole new level of meaning after Daryl had found her in the tombs.

Rick now knew the words were the same as "I love you," for his friends.

He also knew that it had been so long since he had anyone feel that much love for him. He hated the feelings of resentment he felt since he found out about the change in their relationship. He wanted to be completely happy for them and to share in their joy, but between his own fucked up feelings for Carol and the feelings of isolation he endured, he had a hard time watching them.

I have got to get over this shit! They belong together; they always have belonged to each other.

Rick waved to the group and walked over to Hershel for the day's work. He hadn't forgotten his plan to talk to Michonne after they return, but wanted to keep busy till they get back.

The day passed fairly quickly. Rick working on the same projects he had been for the last couple of months. He developed a new appreciation for Hershel during that time, but still wasn't quite comfortable talking to him about personal issues. Hershel knew he had been seeing things after Lori had died and was supportive towards Rick, but there are just some things he didn't need to know.

It was getting late in the day and Rick was starting to get worried about the group that had left for the run. He didn't have a clue how long runs took anymore and was frustrated with himself for not knowing.

These people were my responsibility. They're out there, risking their lives and I don't even know if they have been gone too long.

Rick was just about ready to find Carol and check in when he heard the vehicles rapidly pulling up. One of the car horns was beeping as they got close. He watched as a group moved to the fence, clearing it before they opened the door.

One of the cars rushed up to the second gate, screeching to a stop. Daryl jumped out of the driver's side, yelling for Hershel.

What the fuck happened?

Carol came running out of the watch tower, took one look in the car, and started giving orders: "Rick, Daryl and Ty, get James and Zac to the infirmary. Kaye and Kat, please take all of the children to the library. Maggie go get your sister, stay with her. Glenn, find James' wife. Rose, find Bob and Ruby, get them down to the clinic. MOVE IT PEOPLE!"

Everyone raced to get things done. There was blood everywhere and they knew the two young men's lives hung in the balance.

A stupid mistake, that's all it was. As the story unfolded, Rick watched Daryl as he sat off to the side, head down with Carol quietly talking to him.

James, on his first run had not checked each door for sounds before asking Zac to open a stockroom door. Luckily for Zac he was behind the door when the dozen walkers came shambling out. James, fear overtaking common scene, started randomly firing into the crowd. Before the others could get to James and Zac, the former had been bit and the latter shot by friendly fire. According to Sasha, Daryl had fought his way to the two men, taking out most of the walkers while the others picked off the stragglers. Michonne had taken James left hand in a swift strike, the others wrapping the stump as they rushed out the door to the cars.

Hours trickled by, no one knowing what the outcome would be for the two men. Rick watched as Carol continued to keep people busy, moving from Daryl's side as little as possible. Daryl's eyes traced her anytime she moved from him. A few times Hershel or Bob would come out and give an update or ask Carol for assistance. The women Carol had sent down to the kitchen brought the others something to eat, but no one was hungry. Carol made sure that everyone ate whether they wanted to or not. She would occasionally go to James' wife or Beth and share a few words or a soft touch whenever the women seemed close to losing it.

Where did this fire come from? When did she become a leader?

By the end of the night, Zac was saved, but James didn't make it. Beth was finally allowed to go to Zac, while James' wife was given something to calm her and was watched over by a few of her friends.

Daryl, not taking the news well, let out a yell and stalked off with a final glance towards Carol. She quietly got up and followed him down towards the tombs.

After a few minutes, Rick followed them. He knew he was getting close because he could just make out their voices in the gloom.

"It's my fuckin' fault, Carol. He wasn't ready to be out there and now because of a stupid fuck up his wife and kids don't have him anymore."

"Daryl, it wasn't your fault. He didn't listen, didn't follow the rules that you put in place for runs. It's just this life we live. You told me once that we were all on borrowed time, it was just his time."

"I...fuck I just can't do this leader shit! I'm tired of losin' people."

"It's ok, baby. Rick is starting to come around; hopefully soon he'll feel up to taking over again."

"I hope it's soon, I just can't keep doin' this."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Rick had never heard his friend sound so defeated. He quietly left, not wanting to disturbed them.

This is my fault. If only I could get my shit together. What the hell have I done to these people?

Rick returned to the cell block to see if there was anything he could help with. Whenever anyone asked about Carol's whereabouts, he would head them off, answering their questions as best as he could. He asked the ladies to make sure the kids were all settled for the night and checked to see who had watch. When it became apparent that the watch schedule was going to need to be adjusted, Rick asked Michonne to cover it for a bit until another could be sent. She agreed with an ached brow and a nod.

He had forgotten how easy yet terrifying it was that these people listened to him. He wasn't sure he was ready to be leader again and he worried he would mess up. After hearing the pain in Daryl's voice Rick knew he needed to work himself back to the group and fulfill his responsibilities. He just wasn't sure how to do it.

He saw Michonne leaving to cover watch and followed her; the first responsibility he needed to fill was to get his son back.

It's time.

Time to step up.

Time to get my shit together.

Time to get my son back.

It's time.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Rick leaned against a rail in the tower, wondering how he was going to start this conversation.

"What do you need, Rick?" Michonne's husky quiet voice asked.

Fuck, how do I do this?

"I… well I wanted to ask you about something," Rick answered hesitantly.

"Ok, is it Carl or Carol?" There was no judgment in her voice; she wasn't even looking at him yet.

"What do you mean Carol?" Rick started to feel panicky, wondering what she knows.

He also remembered, out of everyone here, she would be the most likely to understand. When they had gone on the run together and found Morgan, she had told him she knew he saw things, shared that she sometimes talked to her dead boyfriend. Maybe she would be safe to talk to.

Michonne finally turned to him, a soft small smile on her face. "Do you know what I did before all of this shit happened?"

Rick shook his head, shrugging. "Martial artist, maybe?"

"No, I was a lawyer. I got real good at reading people; I had to be really good at it. I've watched you and your people for months; hell, I probably know more about you than you do. I've watched you struggle with something for the last few months, know about your nightmares and your dreams, seen the way you look at her. So with all that being said, what do you want to talk about?" There was a hint of a laugh in her voice.

"Where do you think we should start?"

Michonne turned her face back out to the fence. "Everything is connected, you know. All of your "issues" are connected. Can I ask you something first?"

Rick, trying to figure out how all of his problems were joined, nodded in agreement.

"Do you love her, do you just want to fuck her or are you just lonely?"

Rick, his expression shocked, couldn't answer.

"No answer, huh? Ok. Think about it and let me know when you're ready to talk about that one. I'll assume the next topic up is Carl."

Rick, speechless, having never heard the woman talk so much, just nodded.

Michonne talked for the next hour, if she was tired, it never showed. Rick learned that Carol, Daryl and Michonne had taken Carl's gun away; he could only have it while with one of them. They were concerned about how he had been acting, getting reckless and dangerous. There had been instances when Carl had pulled his gun on some of the new comers, threating to shoot. She told him about the deep pain in his son, how the losses he had experienced ate at his heart. It had started when they had lost Sophia and continued all the way up to the young man Carl had killed while defending the prison. Carl had withdrawn from everyone except for the three adults. She told him about the devastation it had caused his son when Rick himself had pulled away; leaving Carl to believe Rick didn't want him around anymore, blamed him for having to put his mother down. Carl had heard Rick crying out from his nightmares and blamed himself for those nightmares. The adults had banned Carl from being a part of the core group that looked after Rick during the night. Carl had also taken a hit when Beth had met Zac; so on top of everything else, Rick's son also had to contend with teen angst that comes from not getting you first love.

God, there's so much going on with Carl, how did I miss this? What kind of father am I? How do I do this without Lori?

Michonne stopped talking and looked at Rick once again. "So, what are you going to do about that? We can help, but you need to let me know what you want."

Rick didn't know how to answer, he wanted to be there for his son, but was at a loss at how to deal with all of the things Michonne had just told him. "Is that everything or is there something else I should know?"

"There's always more to know. I don't have watch or any runs planned for tomorrow, want to meet up after I get done training with Carol? Actually, you should come by. Carl will be there and from what I hear, it's pretty stimulating to watch our work outs. We can talk afterwards." Michonne turned towards the door as Dave and Michael came up to relieve them. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that will work." Rick nodded to the two men as he followed Michonne out of the tower.

"G'night, Rick."

"Good night."

Overcoming Lonliness

After another rough night, dreams of Carol's body entangled with his, whispering words of love and of lost loved ones coming to devour his flesh, Rick got up to start the new day.

When he arrived at the Cafeteria for breakfast, he noticed Carol was not cooking. There were a few of the others ladies handling the meal. Rick wondered how Daryl was this morning figuring, Carol probably had him straightened out after last night.

Rick grabbed his food and sat at his normal table. Michonne came over, bringing Carl with her. His son was subdued this morning, not making eye contact with anyone including Michonne. The woman herself looked up at Rick with a small nod and smile.

"Morning, Rick. I asked Carl to join us for breakfast and to help you in the garden today. Hershel is wiped out from last night."

Rick, having seen the set up for what it was quickly replied, "that would be great"

Daryl and Carol came down just as everyone else finished breakfast, both were quiet. Carol went to get their meal as Daryl sat down.

"You doin' alright?" Rick asked his silent friend.

"Yeah, I got the fences soon." Daryl, eyes following Carol's movements, answered.

Michonne turned towards Daryl as Carol approached, "I asked Sasha and Karen to cover for you today and got those lazy bitches to cover for Carol. Why don't you two cover guard tower 3 for a bit and then come down with us for training and see if I've missed anything."

Carol, with a grateful smile, stood behind Daryl. "Thanks, Michonne. Daryl, do you want to eat this here or in the tower?"

Daryl quietly asked "Rick could you and Carl keep an eye out while we hit the tower?"

"We've got it, give Carl his gun."

Carl's head shot up at his dad's request.

Carol gave Carl his gun and everyone got up to complete their morning tasks.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

Carl was quiet when they first got to the fields. He would occasionally look up at Rick and appear to want to say something, but would stop himself.

Rick decided it was time to break the silence. "When do you have watch again?"

"Tomorrow night, I got it with Michonne."

"I was thinking of picking up some watches here and there, is there a time they need volunteers more?"

"Overnights are hard to fill, you would have to ask Daryl. He sets those up."

Rick, not satisfied with just talking about watch, started telling Carl what he had learned from Hershel. Carl seemed strangely fascinated by the whole thing and was particularly interested in the pigs. It was muted, quiet, but the most interaction the two had had in a long time.

It was getting close to time to head over to the practice field.

Carl turned to his dad and offered his gun back.

Rick seeing what Carl was doing told him, "Keep it for now. We're still watching the fences and you might need it."

Carl gave his father a grateful smile and a nod.

OVERCOMING

Rick and Carl walked to the field not saying much, but it wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been.

They found a spot and sat in the grass. A few minutes later they saw Daryl and Carol walking over.

"You know, dad ,they should just get together already," Carl said in a staged whisper.

"You mean they still aren't hooked-up?" Rick was confused. He knew they were together and figured everyone else did too.

"No, Beth says it's 'cause Daryl's a dumbass, Glenn thinks it's because they're too scared and Maggie thinks they just don't know they're supposed to be together. I hear they are taking bets on when it will happen."

How can I be the only one to see them for what they are? I wonder if Michonne knows.

"Well, son, whether or not they get together is up to them."

The couple in question arrived, Daryl sat on the other side of Rick and Carol walked over to start stretching. Michonne came over carrying the box with the practice items and started stretching with Carol.

"How ya doin' farmer boy?" Daryl asked Carl with a small smirk.

"Just fine, asshole, how was the tower?"

Daryl laughed. " 's fine. Who ya think is gonna win today?"

"I have to say Michonne, cause she brings me comics, but Carol is getting good. What you want ta bet?"

Rick, watching the exchange between his son and his brother, felt a little jealous at how easy it was for them. He had never had that ease with his son or Daryl.

Carl and Daryl continued to trade barbs throughout the practice and Carl ended up owing Daryl a candy bar when Carol made the first hit. After a half hour, Carl left to check the fences, leaving Rick and Daryl to themselves.

"How's it goin' today?" Daryl asked.

"Got to spend some time with Carl and talked to Michonne, like you said. Still working on it, but we seemed to make some progress today."

"That's good. Kid needs his dad. You lettin' him keep his gun?"

"For now, I gotta trust him sometime. Can I ask you something?"

"Ya just did, " Daryl said with another chuckle. "What's up?"

"Are you doing alright? I mean with all that went on yesterday, I was worried."

"I'll be alright, just don't like bein' in charge. Soon as you're able, we want you to take back over with the counsel. I'm just holdin' ya spot."

Rick was about to respond when he heard Carl's voice yelling for help. As one, the four adults turned and saw part of the fence falling in. Dropping their practice swords the women grabbed up the real weapons and ran to Carl, Daryl and Rick hot on their heels.

OVERCOMING

Walkers started spilling into the yard.

Rick called to Carl and told him to get everyone who was not fighting the hoard back behind the second gate and to hit the watch tower with whoever could shoot.

"Fuck, what do we do, man?" Daryl yelled as they waded into the fight.

Rick didn't think he was ready to make these kinds of decisions but something had to be done. "Sasha, get the bus, bring it over here and cover this hole. Ty, take a fall back position with Karen, if it gets past us, kill it!. "

Rick tried to keep track of the fighters, mentally marking each person's position in the fight. He didn't want another friendly fire mishap.

Michonne and Carol, with swords flashing, decimated a path through the walkers.

Daryl was off to the side fighting his own battle and making sure the path behind Carol stayed clear.

Glenn and Maggie came running out when the alarm was called, working together along with Ty and Karen, kept any intruders from getting to the next gate.

The boys in the watch tower were popping off walkers left and right.

Sasha finally pulled up with the bus, preventing more from entering the yard. As she parked, she rolled down her window and started shooting near the bus.

Once the hole was covered, working as a cohesive group, the fighters finished clearing the yard. Everyone was exhausted , but in good spirits.

Checking in with the fighters, Rick learned they hadn't lost a single person.

Carol and Michonne , both covered in muck, turned and smiled at each other.

Carol glanced over towards Daryl, eyes sparkling, and gave that smile. Daryl, eyes locked with hers, gave his customary shy smirk and tossed a nod in Ricks direction.

Daryl walked over to Rick, clapped him on the shoulder and said, "And that's why we need ya in charge."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Clean up happened quickly and efficiently. Rick was almost amazed at how well the group of fighters worked together. Afterwards, they headed back to their tasks, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

Carol asked the council members for a meeting before turning to Rick. "Would you join us?"

"I need to check in on Carl and Jude, maybe later?"

"Ok, but please remember we need you," she responded with a quiet tone and a hand on his shoulder.

As Daryl, Carol and Sasha left, Michonne joined Rick off to the side. "You did well, Rick. Why aren't you going to the meeting?"

"I'm… I'm just not ready. I've made too many bad calls, lost too many people. They've got it covered."

Michonne shook her head at him. "When you're ready. Come on, let's go get some lunch."

As they walked towards the cafeteria, Rick looked over at the woman. "I know what you did for me this morning with Carl and just wanted to say thanks."

Michonne gave him one of those rare smiles. "What did I do?"

She really does have a beautiful smile.

Rick wondered where that thought had come from.

Great, first I lose my fucking mind because my wife died, then I start lusting after Carol who is like my sister and now I'm noticing Michonne's smile. What the FUCK!

"Never mind, I need to go get Jude. See ya later." Rick practically ran to get away from the woman. This was not a complication he needed right now. Carl and Jude were his priority.

Overcoming

Over the next week things with Rick and Carl's relationship kept improving. It wasn't the same as before but at least Carl was starting to talk to Rick. They kept the conversations light, never too personal. Michonne, Carol or Daryl would join the father and son from time to time, which helped ease any difficulties that came up.

Rick was also beginning to sleep a bit better, the nightmares were less frequent, but the other dreams, the dreams of Carol wouldn't go away.

Rick helped with reinforcing the fences, and resetting the traps. He did notice that several of the others began to come to him with small problems and questions. He answered as best he could, trying to take some of the pressure off Carol and Daryl.

Rick had so far managed to avoid taking a direct leadership role. Much to Rick's surprise, Daryl was the one who pushed the most. For a man who doesn't talk much, Daryl had a way of getting his point across. He wanted Rick back in charge.

How do I explain to the man that I just can't do it anymore?

Rick, taking a break from tending his garden, glanced up to see Daryl walking toward him.

"Hey Rick, we got some folks getin' sick. Some of us are goin' on a run for Hershel. Could you keep an eye on things for us?"

"Who's all going?"

"Me, 'Chonne, Bob, Ty and a few others. Carol is stayin' to help out with the sick folks. Glenn and Maggie are stayin' to keep watch. Carl said he'd take tower 3, while the others cover 1 and 2. Beth has got the kids in the library with some of the other women, don't need any of them getting' sick. Rose, Kat and Kaye are goin' to take care of meals. Think we got everythin' covered, but ya never know. "

"Yeah, I can help keep an eye out. You be safe."

Daryl nodded and started towards the cars, when he turned around and in a soft voice added, "Thanks. Umm… I need you to do one other thing if you would. Make sure Carol takes a break and eats, she forgets to when she's busy."

"I'll keep an eye on her," Rick answered with a smile.

Daryl gave his trademark smirk, waved and went to the cars.

Overcoming

During the next few days, the illness spread like wildfire through the group. It spared some of the adults and the very young, but decimated the population in the middle. They lost 10 people within the first few days.

Hershel, Bob and Carol worked tirelessly trying to make the infected as comfortable as possible. None of the medications seemed to work and they still didn't know what it was or why it was spreading so fast.

Rick watched as Daryl struggled with each loss, pushing for more runs, trying to find something that would help with the illness. He couldn't help but notice just how exhausted and almost closed off Daryl was growing. Carol spent every spare minute tending to Daryl, keeping him grounded in the here and now.

The two men briefly spoke to each other before Daryl and his group left to try yet another hospital, once again Rick promised the quieter man he would keep an eye on Carol.

Things kept going from bad to worse. The ones on the run were overdue, more people were getting sick, most were dying.

The small group had gathered to discuss their options.

Carol reminding the others that Daryl and the rest would be back, her unerring faith in the man lifted the others spirits and tamped down the worry for now.

They were still faced with what to do with those that were infected until Daryl got back.

Rick went to Hershel and suggested they move all the sick into cell block A and lock the doors if they were alone. Hershel jumped at the suggestion and asked Carol to organize the move.

Rick was at a loss. He could kill walkers, battle men, but had no idea how to fight this foe. This was a foe that weapons couldn't defeat.

"What if it's water born?" Bob asked the group. "Do we have any way to filter the water from the creek?"

"I can tell you how to set up a crude filter, but I won't be able to do it," Hershel told them.

"I'll do it, if you tell me how," Carol volunteered.

"No, you should let me do it!" Rick had a really bad feeling about Carol going outside the fence.

NO, NO, NO, not her, anyone but her. Jesus, Daryl will kill me if anything happens to her. I can't lose her.

Carol looked at him with a small smile. "Rick, I'll do it. We'll need you near the gate to keep it clear for me. I'll be fine."

Rick couldn't find a good enough reason to not allow her to be the one to go. "Ok, but when we do this, I want as many people as we can get on the fence to cover you, ok?"

"Ok, Hershel how long will it take to set up?"

Hershel told them it would take about an hour to gather everything and another half hour to set it up. He made a list of things they would need and had everyone go and do their part.

OVERCOMING

"CAROL!" Rick screamed her name as the rest of the group fought their way to her.

It happened so fast, horrifyingly so.

The adults along with Carl had cleared the fences in preparation so Carol could put the filter on the hose.

It was supposed to take her less than 5 minutes and she did get it on quickly. As she was finishing off the task, walkers poured from the forest, surrounding her in seconds.

The sounds of shouts, gunshots , grunts and moans filled the air. Rick desperately battled his way to the woman, seeing her swing her machete like a pro, fighting her way to the gate.

Carl and the rest of the defenders continued with their assault against the undead, keeping Carols path to the gate clear.

Finally Rick made it to her side, standing with his back pressed to hers, turning with each other like a whirlwind, the two made it to the opening and rushed in. The rest of the group finished off what they could of the walkers, worried about the group returning and not being able to get in.

Rick grabbed Carol and pulled her into a tight hug. "Jesus, lady!" He exhaled as he felt her tighten the hold on him.

"I'm ok, Rick, I'm ok. We… uh… we should probably not tell Daryl though," she said with a slight chuckle.

Ricked laughed with her and checked her over for bites, his eyes following her as she left to go to the showers.

Too close, I can't lose her. Please don't take her from me, I can't be alone any more…

Overcoming

Daryl and his group returned shortly after.

Rick rushed over, trying to get to Daryl before the others could tell him what had happened. Bob beat him there and was filling the hunter in with a rush of words.

Rick watched the panic fill his brothers eyes, saw his jaw clench. Michonne had walked up as Bob was spilling his guts and Rick noticed a similar look in her eyes.

As one, Michonne and Daryl both turned and ran to the showers.

Rick looked over at the others, wordlessly asking them to cover for Daryl, Michonne and himself. After Ty nodded in agreement, Rick headed towards Carol and the others.

Rick arrived at the showers and noticed Daryl was pacing back and forth in front of the door.

Daryl looked up at Rick with such a haunted look in his eyes, it took his breath away.

"She's ok, brother," Rick said as he took a seat in one of the chairs.

Daryl stopped pacing long enough to give a brief nod before continuing.

The two men waited in silence. Rick knew now wasn't the time to try and talk to his friend, so he offered quiet support.

It seemed to take forever, but finally Michonne came out of the shower.

She walked over to Daryl, placed a hand on his shoulder and with the gentlest voice Rick had ever heard her use, spoke to the man. "Daryl, she's fine. She's tired , sore and has a pulled muscle, but she's fine. She's alone right now, go see her. We'll keep everyone else away for a while."

Daryl nodded again, set his bow down and walked into the room.

Rick and Michonne sat quietly for a minute, hearing voices coming from inside, the sound of Daryl's soft gasping sobs reached their ears.


	12. Chapter 12

Overcoming Loneliness

Chapter 12  
Here is the final chapter. If you have read this through then I thank you. 

A special thank you to my fellow writers who have inspired me and who have kept Caryl alive and thriving: SophieCharlote, EnglishPoet18, Halohunter80, SOA loving mom, Ramblin Rose, Definitelywalkerbait, muthawalker, DarkAngelsShadow, Hiatus80, Shipperwolf, horrorphile and many many more. If you don't see your name, but know I read your stuff, please forgive me for missing you

Special thank you to definitelywalkerbait who has edited this from the beginning and is just an amazingly wonderful person.

Still don't own anything

Chapter 12: Finding Your Place

The sounds of Daryl's tears continued for a few more minutes and tapered off.

Rick sat on the floor across from Michonne, both looking at the other.

Finally Rick asked one of the questions rattling in his head, "How did you know to…?"

Michonne flashed a small smile, "Know to tell him first? Lawyer, remember? When I first got here I thought they were together up until I called him Carol's husband and she set me straight," Michonne paused with a laugh. "Anyone who has spent time with them, together or separately, can see what they are to each other, if they only open their eyes."

Rick returned her smile and nodded, "I don't know how I missed it and it seems most of the others don't know either. Are they trying to keep it a secret or what?"

"You know them better than anyone, Rick. They are both very private people and honestly it's not anyone else's damn business. You know you never answered me that day, do you love her or do you just want to…?"

Rick felt his heart stop for a minute.

Do I love her? Yes, yes I do. Damn.

Rick dipped his head and gave a quick nod.

Michonne moved over and sat next to the man. "I'm sorry."

Rick's head snapped up at those words, "Why?"

"Because I know what it's like to love someone you can never have," she answered with a quiet sigh.

The bands tightened more around Rick's heart. He knew he could never have Carol, she belonged with Daryl, always had belonged with him.

"You know I watched that woman overcome so much. Her ex-husband was a nasty piece of work and when he died it was like watching her be reborn. Then she lost her daughter, I really thought that would break her, but it didn't. I've watched her go from being this quiet mousy woman, into someone that's just amazing. I don't know if I love her because I love her or if it's that I love the idea that we can all grow stronger."

Michonne gave him a small smile, "I get what you're saying. Here we are warriors, you, me, Daryl and then you have someone like Carol. We've always been fighters, she grew into it. It suits her."

Rick thought for a moment, "You know, there's been something there for a long time, almost from the beginning of this whole mess. It's like they were drawn together from the start. We all saw it; we just didn't think it would ever move into anything."

Michonne looked confused for a second, "Why not? "

Rick chuckled, "You didn't know them then. Daryl was… well a lot different. First day I met him he threw a string of squirrels at me and came at me with a knife. That man grew to be my best friend. Carol like I said was quiet and withdrawn. Knowing what I know now, it seems obvious, but at the time it was just kind of… I guess "cute" would be the word. It's almost like one of the Harlequin books Lori used to read. 'Angry bitter man and quiet mousy woman meet and fall in love doing a Zombie apocalypse', would have been a best seller."

The sounds of their laughter echoed down the hall.

Michonne, recovering first, had to ask, "So how is everything else, Carl, leadership any of that getting better?"

Rick sighed, "Carl and I seem to be doing better, thank you for that. I still don't know if I can handle being in charge anymore. Hell, look what happened today. I almost lost her because of a call I made. If it was bad for me, I just don't want to think of what would have happened with Daryl if she had… I'm just tired of doing things alone."

"You know you're not alone, right? You've got a whole family of people who have your back. Being the leader doesn't mean you are up on some pedestal away from the rest."

"So who was it you loved but couldn't have?" Rick wondered if the woman had feelings for Daryl and thought how sad that would be for her.

"Maybe someday I'll tell you," she answered with an enigmatic smile.

God her smile is sexy!

"Is it Daryl? I know you two spent a lot of time together."

"GOD NO!" Michonne replied, almost choking, "That man is like my brother and like I said, I thought him and Carol were together when I got here."

Before Rick could say anything else, footsteps could be heard coming from the shower room. The door opened and Carol and Daryl came out.

Carol looked tired but happy, Daryl looked a bit shell-shocked but relieved.

Carol gently took her hand from Daryl and walked over to Rick, "Thank you for being there." She reached up and pulled him into a hug. Rick could feel his pulse speed up being that close to her. The fear he had felt moments ago coursed through him again. He wrapped his arms tighter around the small woman, breathing in her scent.

After a few seconds, Carol released him and moved over to Michonne. 'Thank you for teaching me," she said as she pulled Michonne into the same kind of hug she had just shared with Rick.

Rick watched Michonne as Carol enveloped her. The look of contentment on the warrior's face sparked a thought, I wonder…

Daryl walked up to Rick while he was watching the two women. He placed a hand on Ricks shoulder. "Thank you," was all he said in a gruff voice.

Rick noticed how rough Daryl looked. His friend looked almost beaten.

He wouldn't have made it if she had died, Rick thought as he watched Daryl move back over to Carol.

"We need to get back, I need to get dinner going and check on the sick. Daryl needs to help unload," Carol said in a very quiet voice.

Daryl, standing next to her with an arm wrapped around her shoulders, looked up at Rick. "You got anyone else that can take care of that shit? She needs to lay down for a bit."

Rick nodded, "Carol, I would really appreciate it if you would just rest for the night."

Carol shook her head. " I need to pull my weight, there's so much that needs to get done."

He watched as Daryl leaned down and whispered something in her ear. Whatever the man had said to her had changed her mind.

"I am tired and a bit sore. Michonne can you come with me to my cell?"

"Sure, we'll get you something for the pain on the way."

Daryl dragged his eyes from Carol, "Hey 'Chonne, you'll take care of her , right?"

"You know it redneck. Come on lady, let's get you to bed."

Rick watched as Daryl stood in front of Carol dipped his head and gave her a quick kiss.

"Listen to 'chonne, ok.? I'll be back as soon as I can. Love ya," he said in a quiet voice.

"Love you too."

With that, Carol and Michonne, walking arm in arm, headed out to get some pain meds and get Carol settled into her cell.

Overcoming

The men walked back to the cafeteria area to round up some help for dinner.

Rick watched Daryl, still concerned about him.

Daryl was chewing on his lip and had tension radiating off of him.

After several dozen steps, Daryl stopped.

"Ya can't let her do stuff like that no more," his voice low and gruff. "Ain't nothin she wouldn't do for this group but if I had lost her…"

Rick understood his friend's pain, "I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Ya know, I can't keep her from doin' shit to help, wouldn't do that to her, but fuck, I don't know. She's down helping with the doctorin' and still does the cookin'. I can't keep focused when I'm on a run, if I gotta worry 'bout her here."

Rick watched as Daryl started to pace a bit. He knew how important Carol was to the group and now knew how important she was to his closest friend.

As Daryl passed him in his restless journey, Rick reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "Daryl, I'll make sure she's safe, alright?"

Daryl let out a sigh and gave a quick nod.

Well, I always knew if he fell for someone he'd fall hard. Rick thought while trying and failing to suppress a chuckle.

Daryl's head snapped up at the sound. "You think it's funny I worry about her? Damn woman is a magnet for disaster!"

Rick raised his hands in a placating gesture, "No brother, I don't. I'm just realizing how much I missed out on while I was dealing with some things."

Rick watched as a pink hue quickly rose on Daryl's face.

"Yeah, was gonna talk to ya about that. Carol and me…"

Rick gave his shoulder another pat and came to his rescue. "I know. She's a good woman and you are a lucky son of a bitch. Why are you hiding it though?"

Daryl gave him a bit of a confused look, "We ain't hidin', just ain't nobody's damn business. I ain't good enough for that woman, but she's mine and I'm hers. Never had nothin' as good as her in my life. Took us a long ass time to get here and I don't want to mess it up."

"You won't. You love her and it's great to see you both happy. You know the others are taking bets on when you'll get together?"

Daryl laughed, " 'chonne told me. The shit these people do without TV."

Rick was happy to see the dark clouds leaving Daryl's eyes.

The two men continued their trek and got to the kitchen. A few of the women Rick had overheard days before bad mouthing Carol came over to him.

"It's dinner time, where's Carol?"

Before Rick could answer, Daryl turned to them. "Carol is layin' down. She got hurt getting' your lazy asses some water. Now, she ain't makin' dinner tonight so we're lookin' for volunteers to get it done."

Rick watched as a few of the women offered to help out as they expressed concern for Carol. The "bitches" as Daryl called them, simply sat in their group and started talking again.

Rick looked over at Daryl and could tell the other man was getting pissed again.

Well this should be fun.

Daryl walked over to the table and slapped his hand down and growled, " I think y'all missed what I said, we need volunteers to get some shit done. You 5 can get off your asses and make dinner."

Daryl looked over at the more helpful women and with a much kinder voice said, " If ya ladies wouldn't mind, we could use some help getting water to A for the sick and could use some help with getting the kids settled for the night."

Rick held back his laughter at the looks on both groups faces. These people really didn't get Daryl.

Everyone jumped up and went to their assigned tasks.

Daryl walked back over to Rick and with a jerk of his head both men went out to finish unloading the supplies.

"That's some leadership skills you got there, Dixon."

"Shut up."

Overcoming

The next few days saw the group busier than ever. Carol's injuries were more severe than they had originally thought which caused her mobility to be limited. She, with several prompts from Daryl, skipped on kitchen duty; instead she focused on the sick. The meds Daryl had brought back were helping some, but those that had gotten sick early were beyond the help of the medication.

Rick felt the blow of each death, but none of them compared to the loss of Dr. S. Herschel and Carol were both good at what they did, but Dr. S was the last person in the group with actual medical knowledge.

When Glenn got sick all of the original group felt it.

Rick remembered the first time he met the young man, how Glenn had saved him. He thought of the snarky comments and the simple charm of his friend.

Maggie was not allowed in the sick area due to being pregnant but Carol and Herschel kept her updated.

Rick started taking on even more responsibilities with the missing presence of Herschel, Carol and Glenn. Sasha and Daryl had asked him and Michonne to sit in on the council meetings since they were down three members.

Rick liked what he saw in those meetings, no one person was in charge, each person's opinions and ideas where carefully considered.

This is how true leadership should be… no one person should have all the power.

A week passed and more of the ill were recovering, including Glenn.

Carol was still running herself ragged to care for those that were slower to get better but she always met Daryl at the window for a visit.

Rick had to chuckle at all the things he was noticing now that he was "awake".

He was relieved that the nightmares had gone along with the strange desire he had had towards Carol. Yes he still felt love for the woman, but it was the love of a brother, not the love as a man.

Herschel's "lady friend" Ruby was a real fire cracker. She took over the kitchen and the "bitches" learned quickly that Ruby was not a woman to mess with. She made his sergeant at the academy seem like a marshmallow in comparison.

Beth, along with Rose and Mia, took over all the child care. Beth's boyfriend, Zack could be found in the playroom helping the ladies with the kids when he wasn't working the fences or out on runs with Michonne and Daryl.

Rick saw a few of the braver women step up and join the run teams, one that had a lot of potential was Kaye. She had the ability to assess the situation quickly and give alternative solutions to any problem. Michonne was particularly fond of having her on her team and enjoyed teasing Kaye about her beau, Dave.

Rick also started spending a great deal of time with Michonne, asking her opinion, taking about his worries. His favorite things were just getting to know the quiet warrior.

He hadn't known about her family or her losses. He knew she felt the loss of Andrea but hadn't known how deep that pain ran.

He hadn't known she had a wicked sense of humor and now fully understood how devastating that smile of hers could be.

As things around the prison began to normalize, Rick watched as Daryl and Carol gave clearer signs of their relationship. Those occasional brushes of hands began to linger more often, the fire of passion in their eyes shown for all to see.

The betting pool began to argue over who had won, but the couple wouldn't tell. They would just share a secret smile and wave as they walked away.

Maggie and Glenn's wedding came and went, but the most memorable part had to have been Daryl "fucking" Dixon on the dance floor, so obviously nervous, dancing with the very pregnant bride. When the song ended Carol rushed over to rescue him. The two danced most of the night and shared a few kisses that brought sighs to most of the ladies. If there was ever a doubt about the two, they died that night on the dance floor.

Rick, with Michonne's help, had rebuilt the relationship with his son. There were still problems that came up from time to time, but Michonne was there to help smooth them over. She would remind him that for the world they lived in Carl was "Damn near an adult and you better treat him like one". It was hard to see his little boy as a man, but Rick was learning. The day Carl went on his first run with Daryl was stressful, but Rick knew he had to let Carl grow up.

The pride on his son's face when they got back was all it took for Rick to suggest he be added to the run teams.

Overcoming

The council had called a meeting and had asked Michonne and Rick to attend.

When they arrived at the meeting room, Rick had been surprised when he and Michonne were asked to be part of the "Back-up" team for the members. On days when a member couldn't be there, due to illness, runs or emergencies, Rick and Michonne would step in and fill the vacancy.

They both agreed to the plan, but Rick still harbored some doubts, which he talked to Carol, Daryl and Michonne about.

Carol had sat next to Rick, holding his hand. "Rick, you have no reason to worry. We're here to help you and you won't be doing this alone. To be honest, we really don't want you to do it alone. The council works for us and we really don't want to go back to a one person leadership."

Rick had laughed a little at her comments, "You know you always were the first to call me on my decisions. What happened to that mousey woman that put up with idiot men?"

Carol and the others laughed with him before she answered. "Oh, I still put up with idiot men, just I'm more focused on one idiot man and he takes a lot of my energies."

Daryl chuckled at her comment. "Long as I got ya ta keep me from bein' too much of an idiot, guess we're ok." He looked over to Rick, "Ya know she's right."

"That you're an idiot and one lucky bastard, hell we all knew that!"

Rick watched the faint pink hue creep up Daryl's face and took pity on him.

"I can help and I don't want to be in charge. It doesn't work for us anymore."

After a few more minutes of talking, Daryl and Carol got up to head to their cell. Carol stopped by Rick to give him a quick hug.

"Just remember, you're only alone if you want to be." With a quick glance at Michonne, Carol looked to Rick again and gave that smile that used to cause his blood to burn.

He watched Carol walk over to Michonne and whisper something in the woman's ear. Whatever it was, it left the warrior stunned and at a loss for words.

Daryl walked to his love's side, took her hand and led them out of the room.

Rick saw the wicked smile flash across Daryl's face and knew he was staying away from that part of the prison tonight.

Rick saw Michonne sitting at the table again and joined her.

"What did she say to you? Anything that can get you like that must have been something."

Michonne gazed at her companion and flashed a hint of her smile.

"Carol was just reminding me about the dangers of waiting too long to grab something you want." With that, Michonne got up, walked to Rick's side, leaned down and placed a quick kiss on his lips. "Remember, you don't have to do things alone anymore."

Rick sat, stunned as the woman sashayed herself out of the room. She stopped at the door and called over her shoulder, "Hey lawman, want to do guard duty with me tonight?"

"Yes," was Rick's choked reply.

I don't have to do things alone and I don't have to be lonely anymore.

Rick gave himself a shake, got up and headed out the door, open to the possibilities of the future.

Thank you for reading...


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